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YOU WON'T BELIEVE NEWS
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MOVE TO RENAME USA AFTER RONALD REAGAN
Grover Norquist, president of the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project says he is tired of so-called "half-measures" to honor Ronald Reagan. "Mount Rushmore was a nice thought" he said, "but it really doesn't do the man justice." "Taking Hamilton off the 10 dollar bill and replacing him with President Reagan seemed like a good idea at first, but we can do better."
Norquist says the only fitting tribute to "the greatest president of our lifetime" is to change the name of the country. Norquist says House Speaker Dennis Hastert has agreed to introduce a Constitutional Amendment to rename the country as "The United States of Reagan." Americans would become Reganauts. The national capital would be renamed Reganville, The House of Representatives would be the House of Rons, and the US Senate would be the US Reaganate.
Norquist said he was convinced the idea would fly after taking an informal poll of radio talk show hosts. "Rush and Sean are both very excited about it," said Norquist. In fact he says they're ready to brand as a socialist, a terrorist of even a liberal, anyone who dares to oppose it.
John Kerry says he is concerned about the cost of reprinting all of the government stationery. And he asks "What about all those USA jerseys we have ready for The Olympics?" However he added "I'm not saying I'm against it, and I'm not saying I'm for it," Kerry concluded "Perhaps we can try a pilot project, maybe trying the new name for Mississippi or West Virginia, see how it feels."
President Bush suggested the jersey problem could be solved by buying old "USSR" clothes from Russia and crossing out one of the S's. But he withdrew the suggestion when he found out their jerseys actually said "CCCP."
Norquist says if the government goes for the Reagan Ten Dollar Bill, he knows where he can get a trunk full of the bills which could defray some of the cost.
Sean Hannity said whatever the cost of the changeover would be minor, "especially when you consider eight years of Bill Clinton." What does that have to do with it? Hannity explained "There isn't a conservative idea or cause that can be dismissed, as long you bring up Bill Clinton as a counterpoint."
Meantime the mayors of San Francisco, Berkeley and Santa Monica have declared their cities a "USR Free Zone."
Amhed Chalabi says if the amendment doesn't pass, Iraqis would be interested in changing their name to Reagan Arabia. "The Iraqi people love the idea," Chalabi said, "trust me."
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