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YOU WON'T BELIEVE NEWS
This page is fiction... a satire.
TREE CONTROVERSY MAY LAST FOR YEARS
It was reported today by local news outlets that the controversy surrounding the 400 year old Oak Tree in Stevenson Ranch has actually hurt the feelings on the tree, called "Old Glory." Tree sitter John Quigley and supporters say that the tree actually began crying last night for more than an hour. While the tree's tears coincided with some minor rainfall, Quigley assured reporters that it was real tree tears falling from "Old Glory."
As children chanted "Don't Make Old Glory Cry," Quigley explained on live TV that his scientists tell him that there is a chemical difference between the rain and the liquid which fell from the tree last night. "Old Glory has feelings" Quigley said. "It would be unconscionable to cut down a living feeling breathing tree. Would you kill your grandmother to make way for a road? That is what we are talking about."
Some supporters next to the tree also chastised the news media for not devoting more time to this story. Said one angry tree lover, "I'm tired of hearing about suicide bombings, biological weapons in Iraq, and the murder rate in Los Angeles. Don't you realize this tree is 400 years old? Where are your values?" Several reporters were heard apologizing for their stations, and promised to try to get them to do better.
Meantime, LA County Supervisor Mike Antonovich sent out a news release which said "no comment," while a spokesman for John Laing Homes said his company is very serious about moving the tree, and is making plans to do it within the next two to three years.
The controversy almost ended when after hearing that the developer claimed to be serious about moving the tree, Quigley began laughing so hard, he fell out of the tree. However, Sheriff's deputies did nothing to take him away, since the developer has still not filed a trespassing complaint. One did call a paramedic to make sure Quigley was okay. After a short exam, the paramedics and deputies helped Quigley back up the tree.
A spokesman for John Laing Homes says they still have no intention of filling a trespassing complaint. "While we hope one day to build these homes, we certainly don't want to offend local environmentalists, and we have too much respect for Mr Quigley to physically move him. We're actually getting used to our image of being weak and ineffective. So hopefully, that two to three year time frame might work." Why two to three years? "Because we believe by then, Old Glory may get tired of the extra weight and ask Quigley to move."
For the last YWB News, please click on www.RonFineman.com/ywbn021015.html
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