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October 15, 2002
YOU WON'T BELIEVE NEWS
This page is fiction... a satire.
POLITI-DATE SHOW TO HELP VOTERS DECIDE
With less than a month to go before California's election for governor, YBN News has learned that both candidates have taken part in a special show called "Politi-date" which will be broadcast on KCOP. Gray Davis and Bill Simon will date Jillian Barberie on separate occasions, and then she will decide the winner.
The only real stumbling block in agreeing to this show, was the Simon camp insisting that only personal finances can be used on the date. The Davis people initially balked at that, but then, Davis campaign manager Garry South said "We realized that as dull as Gray is, he would still be a better date than Simon, even if he can't openly, er-I mean if he can't use campaign money." Bill Simon said "I want to be every Californian's date, and this show can demonstrate why the people should vote for me. I am loads of fun."
YWB News has obtained a transcript of the show and can share some EXCLUSIVE details. When Gray Davis knocked on her door, he found Jillian wearing a low cut top, and promptly requested that she cover up. "I'm sorry Jillian," he said "but my polling shows that a majority of voter associate excessive cleavage with promiscuity. Do you have a poncho? That could also help me with the Latino vote."
Barberie complied, and the two went to the closest McDonalds for dinner. "I understand the Happy Meals at this McDonalds are especially good," he told Barberie. Before she could say a word, Davis added "You know I could really use a million dollars from you." "What?" she asked. "Look" he answered "you're on the Fox Football show, you've got the Extreme dating show, and you're on that morning show with the other blonde and the old guy. I thought I was being quite a gentleman by only asking for a million." He continued "When you date the governor of California, it is your job to implement my vision of our date. You should be glad that all I care about is money."
When Bill Simon picked up Jillian the next day, she asked him if he'd like her to wear her low cut top. "I don't personally support cleavage" he said, "but I think the people have spoken on this issue. I will not stand in your way to show off your breasts, but perhaps I can change your mind during our date." "How about I just slip on a poncho?" she asked. "That's your decision as a free American." Simon said. "But it may help me with the Hispanic vote."
The two dined at Spago, and Simon entertained Barberie with stories of his life. Despite coming from wealth, Simon assured Jillian that from the time he was a boy, his valet put his pants on for him one leg at a time. As for his entrance into politics...."You wouldn't believe how much it is costing me to pay Giuliani to campaign for me. How do you think he's able to afford to pay all that alimony?"
On the March Primary..."Nobody was more surprised than I was when I won the primary," he said. "I still can't figure out what happened." Barberie reminded him "Davis bombarded Riordan with negative ads because he wanted to run against you! At least that's what Steve Edwards told me." " Oh yeah," Simon recalled. After a pause he told Barberie "I have a secret weapon...a smoking gun which will win me the election. On the Saturday before the vote, I am going to release a photo." "Not that again" she interrupted. "No" Simon said, "this is different. I have a photo which will also be nationally published, which shows Gray Davis meeting with aliens, and I don't mean the ones from Mexico. If you promise to pick me, I'll show you the picture."
It was a tough choice for Jillian. Does she go with the guy who wants a million dollars, or the one with the space alien photo. YBN News has not been able to learn her choice, but it's believed Politi-date is negotiating with two of the minor party candidates to do another show. According to the show's executive producer, "Davis and Simon can't be our only choices, can they?"
For the last YWB News, please click on www.RonFineman.com/ywbn020919.html
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