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March
21, 2002
YOU WON'T BELIEVE NEWS
This page is all fiction, a satire...just for fun.
POLICE COMMISSION RULES THAT WATERS IS NOT THE "B" WORD
As you may've heard some people have asked Police Commission President Rick Caruso to resign, because he allegedly called Congresswoman Maxine Water the "B" word. Well Caruso is staying put, but in a closed session, the commission voted 3-2 that Water is not the "B" word. In a release signed by all five members of the commission, they said "Numerous reports in the news media about one of our commissioners allegedly calling the Congresswoman the "B" word have been a distraction from our primary duties. So it seems the only way to put the issue to rest to was to put it to a vote. We trust we can now move on to more important business."
The two members in the voting minority apparently were persuaded by very emotional testimony provided by Dick Armey, Larry Elder, and Mr Maxine Waters. Yes our sources tell us that Elder actually broke down in tears. And Waters' husband was heard muttering "you have no idea, you have no idea."
But in the end, the majority decided that the "B" word prosecution team had not proved their case beyond a reasonable doubt. After the six-hour closed door session was over, one member of the majority was heard to say that Waters may have her faults, but she is no "bimbo." To which another member responded, "Bimbo? I though we were voting on whether she is a "busybody."
Yes, it turns out that after watching and reading all of the news accounts of this most serious accusation, all of the commissioners had a different idea of what the "B" word stood for. As one commissioner later said, "we wasted six hours, and no one knew what we were talking about. That's a real bitch."
VIACOM MAY MAKE KCAL HOME OF NOSTALGIA NEWS
After an exhaustive study of the Los Angeles television market, and a projection of the dual strengths of both KCBS and KCAL, Viacom management is seriously considering the first known nostalgia news format for their soon to be acquired KCAL property. The plan is to build the new format around Jerry Dunphy. According to one Viacom source, "Dunphy is older than dust and almost as dry. But for 95 years old, he looks terrific. He'll be a wonderful poster boy for our Nostalgia news. And I realize that the last time anyone called Dunphy a boy, Roosevelt was president. Not Franklin, Theodore."
The format will be exclusively old news. They're going to start with VJ day and go forward from there. Once they get to Neil Armstrong walking on the moon, they'll go back to VJ Day. The biggest concern now for Viacom is finding the right co-anchor. They say none of the women currently at KCAL even qualify. One faction wants to bring back Kelly Lange for another try, or possibly lure Christine Lund out of retirement. Ideally, Sumner Redstone says they'd like a woman as close to Granny Clampett as possible. However, another Viacom faction thinks the best idea is to bring over Ann Martin from KCBS. But that would be counter to one of the reasons for the Nostalgia news plan. According to a Viacom memo uncovered by YWBN, "Our five o'clock KCBS anchor team is looking long in the tooth. How many times can Ann change her hair to make her look younger? What if Harold runs into a red dye shortage? But, if we can pack KCAL with some genuine senior citizens, it would give KCBS a major youth injection by comparison overnight."
If the Nostalgia plan goes through, look for KCAL to raid the old-timers from all LA stations. However, Mel Karmazin says "KTLA should have more than enough to fill out our Nostalgia lineup." Hal Fishman, Stan Chambers, and Warren Wilson are said to be shoe-ins to get offers. And Larry McCormick is high on their short list. YWBN is told all KCAL anchors will be offered what Viacom is calling TTL or "two to life" contracts....two years or the rest of their lives, which ever comes first.
For last week's YWBN, please click on www.RonFineman.com/ywbn020314.html
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